the cacti are blooming

The cacti are blooming. My heart's not sure what place it's in.
This is a rare time where I am not contemplating the meaning of contentment.
Instead I find myself drawn to the images, sounds and smells that make me feel most impassioned and euphoric.
sadness yet not despair.
happiness without joyfulness.
a strange contradiction of senses.
Instead of observing the tiny details around me I dreamily flit about in a haze.
I lose things of importance (ID and bank cards)
I have no sense for keeping track of finances.
awaken with bruises from nowhere.
One of the most important material possessions I have is no longer working and I have no idea how. My 35mm Nikon FG camera that was my mother's and I've used since I was 12.
little monetary value. great sentimental value.
I have loved film photography for so long. I can't help but see my broken camera as some sinister symbolic misfortune.
So I'll keep waiting.
I may not be patient about it but wait nonetheless I will do.
Ever hopeful my often downfall.

So I started this pathetic little blog.

"I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of the tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."
Syliva Plath The Bell Jar

I was re-reading the Bell Jar this past winter and this quote held painfully true for my current state of being. Immersed in the constant movement, conversations, classes, work, traffic, it was all spinning around me so fast I couldn't do anything but remain very still within it all.

I find myself happiest when I can break outside the tornado. But then, who doesn't? My apologies for these somewhat silly pseudo cogitations.

Working this summer in Montana has already so far proven to yet again be a wonderful way to break out of the tornado.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still restless as ever but such is my nature.


I decided to start this pathetic little blog in attempts to get in the habit of writing more. With that said, who knows how often I'll update it.

There are also links to other such nonsense at the bottom (flikr, twitter, facebook)




Bonne journée mes amis